As I get older, I often look back at the past and wonder...what if?

Back in 1980 as I sat in the Navy recruiters office going over my ASVAB scores he handed me a booklet. It contained every career field the Navy had to offer. I was surprised when he told me I scored high enough to choose any career in the book. What if I had chosen to become a Physicist or a Journalist or a Research Engineer? Would I be a different person today? How did my choice back then affect the path of my life to this point? I like to think that by spending the past 25 years in healthcare, I have gained a deeper sense of compassion for the sick and dying. Other times, I wonder if it's made me more cynical of the Health Sciences.

In 1982, I was a corpsman on a pediatric unit at Balboa Hospital, working the night shift. I was assigned a new patient to the unit, her name was Megan Fraser. She was 10 months old, and had a crushed skull from being beaten by her father. Every night for 3 months, I took her vitals, measured the fluid from the drains that had been implanted into her head, changed her diapers, and fed her. Often she would fall asleep as I rocked her in one of the rockers in the solarium. I had become quite attached to her, which was obvious enough to our charge nurse that I was counselled on the dangers of becoming personally involved with such a tragic patient. One night I reported for duty as they were preparing her body for transfer to the morgue. This had such a profound effect on me that I abandoned patient care and became an Biomedical Engineer. What if I had remained a nurse? Would I still be one today? How many lives could I have helped save in the past 25 years?

In 1985 My son was taken from this earth. What exactly happened is really only known by Barbie alone. I know what she told me happened. I know what the authorities believe happened. I believe the truth lies somewhere mixed between the two. I don't believe she intended for him to die, but I do believe she was suffocating him, in order to revive him and be the hero. Her lies and actions (mostly involving fake or exxagerated health problems) and my inability to forgive her changed me.


I have carried a burning hatred for her over the past two decades. We all have that place in our minds where dark thoughts are kept locked up. I realized today that some of my darkest thoughts come to the surface on April 21st, each and every year. I hurts me to know that on the past 20 anniversaries of Corey's death, all I can think about is hate and revenge. No more! Today is different. Today, and the todays yet to come, I'll try to remember him as the smiling little boy he was. Today will be one of those times I hope to look back on in the future and realize that I made a choice. A choice that I hope will put me on a better path. A choice that will honor his memory, instead of vilifying his mother.

Corey Robert Marler
8/8/1984 - 4/21/1985