Answers to your diet questions:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that's it. Don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car
by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?

Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy
vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As
we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and
wine are not animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain... Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans; another vegetable!!! "It's the
best feel-good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and
diets. Have a cookie... One more thing... "When life
hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."