This is a HOOT!

Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else -- not switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate or food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish. Nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help,
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually
curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is: 1) kiss me, and then 2) go smell the other dog's
butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for
you.